To think or not to think

Everything that happens to us is to make us wiser. It would be great if we didn't let our thoughts interfere and define us. 

I need a lot of day sleep. And I don't see it as sleep. I use it to define myself.

I am so lazy

I can't believe I'm tired again.

What's wrong with me?

I find it embarrassing. I am the first one to tell my clients that when it's a matter of the brain and we don't see it we are not kind to ourselves. But if we break a leg and we have to be in bed for a week we find it completely justified.  So when my mom suggested that I may have Sjogrens. A disease of the immune system. I didn't rule it out. That's a reason so I don't feel stupid for being super tired half of the time. It really makes me feel bad. I have this idea. Of the ideal me. Someone who is awake and full of energy. I'm even able to exercise. Go to the gym and stay there at least one hour. Take some aerobics, Zumba, kickboxing or  swimming. With a rich social life. But no. Here I am exhausted. Not even able to make dinner. Let alone go and exercise. And feeling a little sorry for myself. 

I found out I didn't have Sjogrens or any immune system disease. My sugar and cholesterol levels are fine. I'm not anemic anymore and my blood pressure is not at you should be almost death levels. 

Everything is fine and when I function I function really well. Until it hits me. Boom! I sit on the couch motionless without the energy to grab a book and read a little. Like if my neurons went numb. 

I went to see a reumatologist in Mexico and he told me I have Fibromalgya.  Then I join a yahoo group about Fibromalgya and I don't seem to share their symptoms. They seem to be in so much pain.  

Another opinion is that I may have sleep apnea. Another one is that I may be low in magnesium. 

In the moms night out my friend was wearing a fitbit to count her steps. It's a good idea because when I have energy I'm back and forth and back and forth. And I do walk a lot. Like when I'm awake I want to compensate for the lost time. So I do get a lot done. 

The fitbit counts my steps but as an extra perk it counts the quality of my nights sleep.

Two days so far. Average 4 hours of good sleep. Sigh. Maybe that's it. 

I do a lot of self thrashing thinking when the tiredness strikes. Oh no!!! Not again!!! Why me! But that's a very selfish statement indeed. Why me? I live in a beautiful place. I am very healthy I have a wonderful husband and two healthy sons who are smart and funny as hell.

Then I feel I don't have the right to complain but I also feel that I don't have the right to nap so much. I cannot control my body but I will work hard to control my thoughts. That will be some progress.

Lesson for today. Stop thinking so much. Those thoughts aren't you and they probably aren't cheering you up either. Life is to short to be miserable for stupid things. Another lesson learned: What I just said is easier said than done.