When you look for an answer

The answer shows up in misterious ways.  As long as you ask the right question.

One of the things that has mortified me the most was my tiredness and my questions were along the lines of: "Why do I have to be so lazy?"

Or

"What's wrong with me?"

Those questions weren't geared to get a happy answer. That's for sure. 

When my thinking pattern changed to: "I'm going to find out why I need to sleep so much and I'm going to do something about it... Then life sees an intention.  So a bunch of answers start piling up:

Depression? Maybe

Fibromalgya? Maybe

Gluten intolerance? Maybe

Sjogrens? Maybe

Lack of Magnesium? Maybe

The funny thing is that I purchased the FitBit to count my steps and because I wanted to be my friend's copycat. It was a nice surprise to see that it also monitors the quality of my sleep among other perks.

Then I know that if in the morning the thing says that I really slept for 4 hours or less, I'll need a nap. If I wear earplugs I sleep better. 

I got my answer in a very unpredictable way. 

Now the next question will be:

"How can I improve the quality of my sleep to 6 hours or more?"

I'm looking forward to the answer. 

My day at the Mall

I needed clothes and I went to the mall. I like nice clothes but the art of sorting out stuff and trying them on is not my cup of tea. The last time I went to the mall to try stuff was 2 years ago. Besides. Sometimes I see something I love and when I try it on just to realize that my body is crooked. Yes. I look like Quasimodo in the dressing room's mirror. Then I get sad: it will be hard to dress Quasimodo. That's why I stopped purchasing online clothes. They look fabulous on the models and on me... They look crooked and cheap. When in then hanger they look awesome and with a hefty price tag attached.  Then I have to go to the store to return everything and have to put up with the sales lady glare: so... What's wrong with this? And with that? And with that? And I almost feel like I have to apologize. And if I dare to say that their clothes sizes are weird they'll defend the sizes as the most precise thing in the planet. 

Maybe that's the reason Cache  's sales items are now FINAL so they don't have to put up with clients like me who purchase a lot of stuff. Keep one thing and returns one ton of clothes. But when a beautiful dress goes down from 160 to 20 dlls I cannot resist buying it to at least try it on. 

 I realize now that the clothes are made to satisfy me, not the other way around so all it takes is patience. Yes I tried so much stuff that I was getting tired. 

But when you see the garment on your body the garment changes and you change. If they are not the perfect combination I don't buy it anymore. 

At first in the mall it was frustrating and tiring. But then I got the hang of it and I enjoyed myself with the sorting out and trying on. I ended up with about 5 things. And I must say. They looked awesome. 

I learned that I have to make peace with the fact that not all the clothes are tailored for all kinds of bodies. That I am not Quasimodo and that at first it's tiring but in the end it becomes a fun experience.

To think or not to think

Everything that happens to us is to make us wiser. It would be great if we didn't let our thoughts interfere and define us. 

I need a lot of day sleep. And I don't see it as sleep. I use it to define myself.

I am so lazy

I can't believe I'm tired again.

What's wrong with me?

I find it embarrassing. I am the first one to tell my clients that when it's a matter of the brain and we don't see it we are not kind to ourselves. But if we break a leg and we have to be in bed for a week we find it completely justified.  So when my mom suggested that I may have Sjogrens. A disease of the immune system. I didn't rule it out. That's a reason so I don't feel stupid for being super tired half of the time. It really makes me feel bad. I have this idea. Of the ideal me. Someone who is awake and full of energy. I'm even able to exercise. Go to the gym and stay there at least one hour. Take some aerobics, Zumba, kickboxing or  swimming. With a rich social life. But no. Here I am exhausted. Not even able to make dinner. Let alone go and exercise. And feeling a little sorry for myself. 

I found out I didn't have Sjogrens or any immune system disease. My sugar and cholesterol levels are fine. I'm not anemic anymore and my blood pressure is not at you should be almost death levels. 

Everything is fine and when I function I function really well. Until it hits me. Boom! I sit on the couch motionless without the energy to grab a book and read a little. Like if my neurons went numb. 

I went to see a reumatologist in Mexico and he told me I have Fibromalgya.  Then I join a yahoo group about Fibromalgya and I don't seem to share their symptoms. They seem to be in so much pain.  

Another opinion is that I may have sleep apnea. Another one is that I may be low in magnesium. 

In the moms night out my friend was wearing a fitbit to count her steps. It's a good idea because when I have energy I'm back and forth and back and forth. And I do walk a lot. Like when I'm awake I want to compensate for the lost time. So I do get a lot done. 

The fitbit counts my steps but as an extra perk it counts the quality of my nights sleep.

Two days so far. Average 4 hours of good sleep. Sigh. Maybe that's it. 

I do a lot of self thrashing thinking when the tiredness strikes. Oh no!!! Not again!!! Why me! But that's a very selfish statement indeed. Why me? I live in a beautiful place. I am very healthy I have a wonderful husband and two healthy sons who are smart and funny as hell.

Then I feel I don't have the right to complain but I also feel that I don't have the right to nap so much. I cannot control my body but I will work hard to control my thoughts. That will be some progress.

Lesson for today. Stop thinking so much. Those thoughts aren't you and they probably aren't cheering you up either. Life is to short to be miserable for stupid things. Another lesson learned: What I just said is easier said than done.